Hurry Up... And Wait.
Warning - this is not going to be a post filled with sunshine and butterflies.
It's an overwhelming and mixed feeling walking by a beautiful, finished nursery every day without knowing if... no, when... it will finally be filled with the joy of a little one. We haven't posted anything in the last few months, because nothing is happening. Our adoption agency has worked with two expectant parents since we became home study-approved. Our profile was shown both times, but we weren't chosen for a match/placement. We also created a profile with ParentFinder for additional exposure, and we haven't gotten any traction with that.
We were so consumed in the excitement and inundation of the home study process, we hadn't given much consideration into how excruciating the waiting period would be. We recognize the fertility journey for most people isn't instantaneous, but there's a particularly cruel element with adoption where the light at the end of the tunnel just simply doesn't exist. We could get "the call" tomorrow, five years from now, or... never. Every day is full of both hope and disappointment at the same time.
How does one go about their life knowing they could be placed with a child any day? We can't schedule our future because we don't know what our future even looks like. We are at a complete standstill.
We both have very different ways of coping with the anxiety of this waiting period. Lindsey wants something to look forward to, so she likes to research items for the baby registry, read books on the baby's first year and parenting, organize the nursery, etc. It makes her feel as if something is actually happening. Jess, on the other hand, is saddened by some of those activities, because they're a constant reminder of what isn't.
Not to mention, we have a lot of envy lately. Everywhere we turn, it seems like another person is announcing the most exciting news of their life about their expanding family. Of course, we are beyond elated with each announcement. We love our friends and their kids. We love hanging out with all of their adorable kiddos. We adore cute back-to-school photos. But there's also this twinge of sadness that it's not us. When people ask pregnant parents-to-be about their plans for how they will raise their child, we aren't considered in the conversation. And if we try to insert ourselves, it feels a little impostor-y. We know, we know - it's a really ugly look for us. We chose this path to expand our family. We chose to not do IVF and fertility treatments. It just - stings a little, you know?
Don't take this post the wrong way - our life isn't full of despair. We have managed to fill our time with happy things. We have been maximizing our time enjoying our summer at the family cottage up north. Toast is having the time of her life swimming and kayaking with us. Lindsey finished her MBA in June and Jess just got a promotion and won't have to work weekends anymore - there's lots to celebrate! We just weren't exactly expecting the waiting period to feel so... empty. Fortunately we have each other to talk to and relate with. We are each others' biggest cheerleader and comforting shoulder to lean on when times are hard. We will get through this.
We promised ourselves we would be transparent with the entire adoption process; we promised to not shut anyone out from all of the emotions we feel. So, here we are. It's September, nothing has happened, and we're frustrated. We know good things will come and we need to be patient. But patience isn't our strongest virtue - we should probably work on that before we become parents, right?!
If you're still reading this, thanks for listening to us. We love you. We love your support. Keep sending your positive vibes our way. Our day will come... hopefully soon! <3